Fifty shades of……………….what exactly?

Ok a bit late to this one but I am still seeing all sorts of ‘anti’ 50 shades stuff over social media.

Firstly,  I will admit that I am going to go see this film ( this week hopefully) and I have read ALL of the books ( my views on these you can see here) so you can judge me right there if you like.

Secondly, I DO get the ‘domestic abuse’ issues/ angle totally and can only imagine what a living nightmare it must be to find yourself trapped in that situation.

However, that said I am a 44 year old woman who has been married for almost 21 years, I have two teenage boys and feel that I am sensible enough and have enough ‘life’ experience to be able to separate a so called ‘romantic fantasy’ from an actual real life ‘loving relationship’.

I know there are people who will see these books and film as being what ‘real’ romance or relationships should be like. The ‘excitement’ and ‘obsessive control’ being mistaken for what love is. But surely that’s where we come in as parents ( for our teens at least). As I mentioned I have teen boys aged 14 and almost 17 years old. Surely one of my parental roles is to show them what a ‘normal’ loving relationship should be like. So, whether married, or in a long term relationship, same or different sex it doesn’t matter in my eyes provided the relationship is stable, consensual, equal, respectful and loving. I think that’s what’s important here.  Obviously there are those who like to live unconventional situations in which BDSM is part and parcel of their normality and again that is great providing it is consensual and no one is in danger obviously. Let’s face it the world would be pretty Stepford Wives and boring if we all liked the same things, had the same opinions and lived the same way.

So with my boys I will aim to teach them that they should take a responsibility to practise safe sex when the time comes for them both, covering both unwanted pregnancy or STD’s for either party. Also I think it’s important that we teach them that what they may see in pornography films or magazines is a far cry from what a real loving relationship is like. I will as the only female in the house impress on them to respect the opposite sex and treat others how they would want to be treated themselves. They will experiment as they get older I am sure but hopefully they will learn to see what they are comfortable with and what they need from a relationship.

With all the talk around this film at the moment I will make sure my eldest is aware that your average old married’s do not all have a hidden ‘red room of pain’ locked away in the house somewhere! Let’s face it Hollywood will romanticise anything from war or sex to relationships or jobs to bloody vampires and zombies and everything in between. But I can see also how teenage girls could be taken with the ‘excitement’ of someone who ‘loves’ them so much they are almost stalked and totally controlled. I don’t have girls but I know my close friends with girls would be making sure they didn’t allow them to fall into the trap of perceiving Hollywood romance to be what’s expected in everyday life. I adore the horror genre of films but I do realise that vampires and zombies are NOT real ( although in saying that I would be EPIC in apocalypse- just saying).

I do not want to seem flippant in any way about domestic abuse which I have been very lucky never to have experienced myself or know of any of my friends who have, however, I do not think that’s what the film/books are fully about. Yes they are graphic in what they take part in but surely one of the main threads is that Christian Grey actually starts to change and become reliant on her love over what he had experienced on the lead up to their meeting.

So what I am saying is that of those of us who ‘choose’ to go and see the film or read the books should not be hounded, shamed or ostracised as though we do not take domestic abuse seriously. Our choice is exactly that- our choice. We may not be condoning or advocating either side of the discussion but merely happy to escape work, family or stress for 90 minutes of total Hollywood escapism with the gorgeous Jamie Dornan thrown in for good measure. Let’s face it we all adored him in the brilliant The Fall where he was a fecking murderer for goodness sake.

The great thing about the film is that it has us all talking, whatever the views, surely that can only be a good thing raising awareness of domestic abuse but also opening conversations about teaching and educating teenagers of what is considered acceptable or not in a long term loving relationship.

fifty shades